November Pity Party: The Slow Burn
All of the stages.
I think about how people call me strong all of the time because life has thrown it’s hardships like fastballs at me. Yet, I have still managed to strike it out of left field in all but one department.
I can see my friends digging their fingers into their thighs and I can see the hurt in their eyes that will soon reflect my own down the line. They are saying to have it go slow, don’t care so much, and take your time. Yet, the flood of messages, the niceness, the hanging out, the holding, the touching, the laughing at my jokes has me past cloud 9. I am answering their texts too fast, I am making excuses for them, I am willing to wait even though they have promised me nothing in the future.
But it so nice to be held, to be listened to, and to be given the time of day. Until one day the switch flips. You can feel it every layer of your skin. It starts slow. You’re texting first more, they aren’t. You realize they’re not trying to be your #1 friend on social media. You realize hanging out is a bit harder. In a desperate attempt to save it all, you put their life vest on first. You give them the benefit of the doubt, you let them know you would love to see them then you start to tell your friends that the slow burn is happening. It is never as dramatic as you feel inside because you don’t want them to think you care at all. The idea of not caring is more consuming than the idea of caring. Not caring is an act. You have never been capable of not caring. It is what you who you are. It is the reason you are a good friend, a good employee and a good person of the world.
How the Slow Burn works
At first, the slow burn is okay. It begins when that switch flips. The excuses for him fill your brain. He is busy. He is tired. He is working. He is with his friends.
Secondly, you start telling people about what he’s doing. Their immediate dislike of him reminds you 1) that people care about you 2) you have to start acting like you don’t care.
Third, you start turning off your text notifications. Every time the sound goes off on your phone and it isn’t him, you feel anxious.
Fourth, you stop caring if you’re sending two or three texts. What’s going to get a response? You’ll do it all.
Fifth, they respond to a long text you sent. They apologize. There are not any promises. It is empty. After all, they never gave you a deadline for your situation. They never said they’d be nice. They never said they’d give you a warning.
Sixth, you will write about it. You will pull out the tarot cards. You will analyze your horoscope. You will give them one last chance they don’t care to have.
The last few stages differ from person to person. Sometimes there will be instances when you forget how they made you feel and then you see them in person. Or they’ll like a photo of you on Instagram. Or they’ll get a girlfriend and you’ll start comparing yourself to her. It just depends. It is never as easy as you hoped it would be. While it doesn’t happen too often, it still hurts for longer than you think it should.
November Pity Party Playlist
A quote from one of my fave (satire) article
An excerpt from “Sorry I Acted Crazy While You Were Treating Me Like Shit”:
But by far, the craziest I get is when I want to be treated with respect. There must be a straightjacket somewhere with my name on it! Weeooo weeoo, that’s the sound of the ambulance that’s on its way to take me to my special padded room! I am sorry you have to deal with me!
So I guess what I’m trying to do is simply apologize. I hope that next time you treat me like a soggy lump of street trash, you’re able to forgive me when I react like that’s a bad thing. There is no way you could’ve known I don’t like to be treated that way. How could you know?! Sorry, I can be so dramatic sometimes.
Shit That Will Make You Cry for a Good Reason
This essay on Joan Didion’s estate sale.
This scene from “He’s Just Not That Into You”.
Finals Thoughts As Always
This scene from “Almost Famous”.
Life will never be 100% easy.